美国文化 | 来美国17年,我仍然无法理解的美式亲密(American Intimacies)


After 17 years in the United States, these public displays still make no sense to me. But I’m trying.

Hugs Galore

Hugging wasn’t a thing in my childhood in Hong Kong. When I saw my grandmother, I just shook her hand. In fact, I never hugged anyone until I was 13, when I came to America. The concept of hugging was so foreign to me that I had to study how other people hugged to understand the mechanics of wrapping your arms around someone. Was I supposed to put both arms over the shoulder? Both arms around the belt? One up and one down? It was a confusing time in my life.

When I finally mustered the courage to hug this girl in school, I’m pretty sure I forearmed her in the face. Yet these days, I’m recklessly hugging everyone, with complete disregard, and hopefully fewer injuries. I hug my friends, I hug people I’ve just met, I hug the UPS man if he delivered a cool package. (Even if he delivers toilet paper, I still give a quick hug.)


Most of my friends have at least two dating apps on their phones. One friend is having lots of success on Plenty of Fish, another had her heart broken twice by different guys from Bumble, and I have gathered a database of nightmare stories from my own Tinder dates.
我的大部分朋友手机上都有至少两款交友应用。其中一个朋友在Plenty of Fish上收获不少成功经历,另一个朋友被通过Bumble认识的两个家伙伤透了心。我自己也在与用Tinder认识的人约会时发生了很多噩梦般的故事。

I once matched with a woman whose job description was “social influencer.” Deep down I knew this probably meant she was unemployed with 50,000 Instagram followers — some of them real — but I gave it a shot. I took her out to Dave & Busters so if the date went south, I could still enjoy myself playing Mario Kart.
我曾经和一个工作描述写的是“网络红人”的女人被配成一对。她在Instagram上有五万粉丝——其中一部分是真正的粉丝——内心深处,我知道这可能意味着她没有工作,但我想试试。我带她去了Dave & Busters娱乐餐厅,所以如果约会失败,我还可以玩马里奥赛车(Mario Kart)。

Throughout the date, she kept having me take videos of her for her Instagram story. “O.K., do one like that, but turn the phone the other way.” “Let’s do one with the puppy face filter!” “O.K., get one of me playing Mario Kart.” I’m not your cameraman! I want to play Mario Kart, too! I would have walked out if I hadn’t just invested $30 in my Dave & Buster’s game card. Priorities.

以发到Instagram上的视频。“好,这样拍一个,但把手机换到另一边去。”“咱们用狗狗脸滤镜拍一个吧!”“好,拍一个我玩马里奥赛车的。”我不是你的摄影师!我也想玩马里奥赛车!如果不是刚往Dave & Buster’s的游戏卡里充了30美元,我当场就走了。这才是最重要的。

We never got to know each other, but that didn’t seem to be an impediment to her, at least not on social media. The next day I saw a post on her Instagram of her playing Mario Kart, with the caption “I love it when bae takes you out for game night.” Um, what? I definitely was not her “bae” and we have never spoken since. As Justin Bieberwould say, “Baby you should go and love yourself.”
我们根本没能了解对方,但这对她来说似乎并不是问题,至少在社交媒体上不是。第二天,我看到她Instagram上发了她玩马里奥赛车的帖子,图说是“我喜欢宝宝晚上带我出去玩”。什么?我肯定不是她的“宝宝”,后来我们再也没说过话。就像贾斯汀·比伯(Justin Bieber)会说的那样,“宝贝,你应该去爱你自己。”

The Rampant Spread of ‘I Love You’

In many Asian cultures, people rarely, if ever, utter the words “I love you.” But in America “I love you” can be used as an endearing greeting from lovers, as a supportive term from parents to their children and even as a casual goodbye to friends: “That was an amazing brunch, let’s do it again soon. I love you, bye!”

American culture is just much more intimate than what I was used to growing up. If I said “I love you” to my parents, they would probably think I’m crazy or that I have terminal cancer. I have said it to my friends sometimes, in a drunk-guy-at-the-bar way. “Hey, I love you, bro, you’re awesome, man.” And I have said it to one girl, but to be honest I’m not sure I meant it — it just seemed like the right answer at the moment.

She was wonderful, and two months into our relationship she told me, “I really like you.” I said, “I really like you too.” Then she said, “I really, really like you,” and looked into my cornea. And I said, “Yes, I really, really like you too!” Frustration came over her and she pushed on: “No! I mean, like, I really, really, really like you!” Aha — I finally realized what she meant, so I gave her the answer she was looking for: “Oh yeah, I love you.”

That was a regrettable mistake from this naïve people pleaser. We eventually broke up because we both realized I didn’t mean that.

So what does it really mean to say “I love you”? Does it mean nothing more than “You’re cool”? Or is it actually a magical phrase?

I asked my 70-year-old Chinese father, “Dad, why don’t we ever say ‘I love you’?” And he said, “We don’t have to always say I love you, it’s understood.” Maybe he’s right.

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